Grief and Our Eternal Hope

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another." (Romans 12:15-16a)

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I have attempted to finish this post on grief since January, and my thoughts have ebbed and flowed.

When I started it, my focus was on losing someone through death.  Grief, however, comes from more than physical death.  Sometimes it comes from the loss of  plans or dreams, from an estranged relationship, or from disappointment, among other things.

Grief is a strange bedfellow.

It can sneak up on you.

It can blindside you.

It can stop you dead in your tracks.

It can cause you to question everything.

And then it can lessen, and you can feel closer to "normal" than you did before.

But the cycle starts again out of the blue.

When I made my first attempt at writing this, I was thinking on the loss of two people very special to me about a month apart: on old friend who was very dear to me and a young woman who grew up with my daughters and was like part of our family for several years.  

Both of those deaths shook me to my core and made the old adage "life is short" very real to me.  That's when I saw how much I take for granted; time being the main thing.  

Today as I write, it is also the eleventh anniversary of the death of my grandma.  She passed on Good Friday, which fell on the date of her death again this year.  I can remember exactly where I was when I found out.  I can remember the regret I have for not getting to her before she was gone.  (I had plans to be at her house a couple of hours later, but that was too late.)  I can remember the deep pain of losing one of the most important people in my life like it was yesterday and also the guilt of not being there in her final moments.  (That's a long story for another day.)

My grandma's death changed my perspective on many things -- primarily on my priorities, especially when in my gut I feel like I need to do something differently.  Oftentimes that gut feeling I get is really the Holy Spirit prompting me to act.  Too many times I have ignored it.

Today as I remember Grandma's life and her influence on me, I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that I know we'll spend eternity together because we both have trusted in Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  I have the same hope and reassurance when I think of my two friends I lost a few months ago.

However, that doesn't make the grief go away.  Sometimes the strangest things can trigger a memory, which can bring laughter or tears.

And what about those things that I grieve for that do not have a positive outcome that I can see?  

What about the death of one you love who doesn't know Jesus?  

What about the rejection of a loved one and being shut out of their life? 

What about debilitating health issues that are not going away this side of heaven? 

How do I encourage and minister to someone grieving any type of loss?  What if I am the one grieving?

The answer to all of these questions: Turn to the Great Healer, the Ultimate Encourager, the Lover of our Souls.  

Read His word; meditate on it.  Cry out to Him; He can take whatever you need to dish out.  Lean on your support system; be open and honest with your brothers and sisters in Christ. Find a trusted friend who can lift you up.  Remind your grieving friend of the truth and be the one who always points them back to their Healer.

(This is not meant to be an exhaustive list for how to handle grief or on how to help someone grieving.  This is one woman's thoughts on walking through a valley of grief right now and how it is changing my perspective on life.)

My family was recently looking through a photo album from my husband's 40th birthday ten years ago.  My daughter started pointing out people in the photos whom we have lost in the last decade, and that didn't include those who weren't at the party.  Another reminder to me that "life is short."

So what do I do with this?  What do I do with my time, my sadness, my memories, my ups and downs?

Stay focused on the One who saves me and love those around me.  This life is temporary, but we can be useful while we still have the time here on earth, even when we are suffering.  We can still be a voice that shares the hope of Christ.  We can still be an encourager.

"Love must be sincere.  Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.  Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves.  Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  Share with the Lord's people who are in need.  Practice hospitality.  Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."  (Romans 12:9-14)

Those are words written to followers of Jesus...instructions we should take to heart and put into practice.

But what about for those who do not know Jesus?  I'll say it again, Life is short. Knowing Jesus is the best thing that can happen to you.  Seek him.  Trust him.  

He is worth it.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."  John 3:16-17

(If you find yourself in a deep cycle of grief, please seek help. Seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness, but a way to work through your issues with someone who can look at your situation objectively.)

Psalms of Lament

lament  /ləˈment/  noun: a passionate expression of grief and sorrow.

As we have continued to study the Psalms on Sunday mornings at church, today we hit on some of the most meaningful Psalms in my life: the Psalms of Lament.

Being able to pour out honest emotions to God is healing and hopeful.  

Sometimes that sounds a little crazy to me.  I don't exactly wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I tend to live life with a pretty even demeanor.  If you see tears leaking from my eyes, it's usually due to a fairly extreme circumstance or I'm feeling like I'm at the end of my rope.  That doesn't mean that varying emotions aren't there on a regular basis; I just tend to keep them to myself.

Sometimes that's dangerous.  Sometimes that leads to depression.  It can also lead to isolation when we struggle to be real with others, among other things.

Turning to the Psalms helps this poetry-loving writer process feelings and heartache. Reading the Psalms and praying through them connects my heart and brain and helps me refocus on Christ, but learning how to write prayers of lament has been a game changer in my prayer life.  

About a year ago I was fortunate enough to attend a Trauma Healing Institute workshop where the attendees were taught how to facilitate Bible studies to help bring healing from trauma.  In this workshop, we were working through the activities as if we were taking the class.  One of the activities was to write a prayer of lament.

The only common denominator in a lament Psalm or prayer is the complaint ("How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?" Psalm 13:2), but they can have the following seven parts:

• Address to God ("O God")
• Review of God's faithfulness in the past
• A complaint
• A confession of sin or claim of innocence
• A request for help
• God's response (often not stated)
• A vow to praise, statement of trust in God

The first time I wrote my own prayer of lament it took me a couple of minutes to start.  Where to begin? Honestly, it started out a little stilted.  However, once I allowed myself to start talking to God about what I was dealing with, the words flowed.  Quickly and at great length.

It amazed me how this little exercise changed my perspective.  It didn't change my circumstances, but it altered my thoughts about what had happened and allowed me to rest in the Lord and his greatness.

The good news is that writing a prayer or song of lament doesn't require great writing ability.  It merely requires a complaint or problem and a desire to tell God.  

Ok...be real.  We all have plenty of complaints or problems.  Pick one and give it a go.  Choose a few of the bullet points above and start writing.  

Having the Psalms as part of God's word reminds me that every one of us has joys and sorrows, and it is part of growing in our relationship with Jesus to express those in praise and worship.  

And yes, even in lamenting about the parts of life that seem so hopeless.

Praying the Bible: Psalm 103

Several years ago, my pastor introduced our congregation to the book Praying the Bible by Donald Whitney during our prayer emphasis month.  This read changed the way I pray a majority of the time.

Maybe it's not an issue for you, but I get distracted when I pray.  What Whitney teaches in his book is to take a passage of scripture and pray through it, having a conversation with the Lord as you work through the verses.  His suggestion is to start with the Psalms, but obviously it can be done throughout scripture.

While most of my prayers are verbal or said in my head, journaling my prayers is really meaningful to me.  I process when I write.  Plus I have something I can go back to down the line.  It's helpful and encouraging to read old journals from years past and to be reminded of things I have prayed for and how God worked in me through the issues I was facing. This may be something to give a try to help develop the spiritual discipline of prayer in your faith journey.  

Also, I have found that if I am praying for someone else and using this model, it can be tremendously encouraging to the person I am praying for.  In those cases, I print out the chapter with a wide right margin. Then I write out the prayer along the side of the chapter and send it to the person I'm praying for.  Written notes are so important and a dying practice.  What better way to revive it?

Below is a prayer I wrote for Psalms 103 to give you an idea of what it may look like to pray the Bible.  This was a corporate prayer shared with my church, which is why there are more "we" and "our" references than "I" or "my."

Praise the Lord, o my soul.

We praise you with all that we are,

    for all that you've done for us.

We praise you for forgiving all of our ugly sins and for healing us -- whether on earth or ultimately in heaven.

Thank you for rescuing me.

    Fill me with your love and compassion towards others.

    Give us hearts to minister to anyone who is oppressed and hurting and to tell them about         the One who redeems.

We praise you for your compassion and grace and patience with us.  May we also demonstrate to others how good, compassionate, and forgiving you are by the way we live and the words we say.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is your love for those who fear you, as far as the east is from the west, so far have you removed our transgressions from us.

Thank you, Jesus!

We praise you for knowing everything about us and loving us anyway.

When we forget that, send your Spirit to remind us of the truth.

Thank you for not leaving us here to struggle alone.  We praise you for always being with us and for saving us from the punishment we deserve when we trust in Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection as our only hope for salvation.

We praise you because your kingdom knows no boundaries, for you rule over all and love every last one of us.

Praise the Lord, o my soul.

Amen.

I am so thankful for God's word and the way He speaks us to us through it.

Be blessed.