Reading, Rest, and Relationship History

Summer 2022: The One Where Leslie Learns to Rest

(Any Friends fans out there? 😉)

The struggle has been real.  For months.  Actually for well over a year.  I have been running on empty for far too long, burning out.  I’m not going to get into all the details here, but I have been working towards a few things: freeing up my schedule, resting, and sitting with Jesus more.

Practically that means that I have actually been letting some things go and giving up some responsibilities.  That hasn’t been easy.  Removing things from my to-do list has also been a challenge, yet very freeing.  

My focus for the summer is on relationships and my health and finding joy in things again.  

On the book scene, that means I’m encouraging myself to only read lighter books right now and am holding off on the heavier topics for a season.

On the “stop and smell the roses” front, I am actually doing just that: experimenting with a bit of gardening (in containers for now), spending time watering my tomatoes and peppers and taking care of the blooming flowers.  Slowing down right now.  Appreciating creation and thanking the Creator.  Breathing more deeply.

In the last couple of weeks, I have starting feeling more like myself.  I’m laughing more easily, and my creativity is returning.  This. Is. Huge.

Observations:

- I want to write again.  Thank you, Jesus!  I wasn’t sure the desire would come back.  Over the last few days, I have felt this sense of urgency to sit down with my computer and let the words flow.  I’ve done a bit of that.

- I want to read more — just for the fun of it.  No other agenda.  While I thoroughly enjoy learning, right now I just crave a bit of rest.  I’m focused on fiction right now, but no weighty subjects.  Light summer reads, some middle readers (there are some great ones out there!), books that are pleasant, maybe a little on the sweeter side.

- I’m leaving my phone behind for longer periods of time, and no major catastrophes have happened because of it.  😁  Lack of interruption can be a good thing.

- I want to create things.  Lately, I’ve been focused on ideas for a wedding reception and a wedding shower (Yay!), but I’m also thinking through some art projects.

- I want to organize.  This is something that energizes me, and I was so fortunate to use part of a PTO day today just putting some things away in my basement. It was one of my favorite days I’ve had recently.  (That’s not as sad as it sounds. 😁)

I keep telling myself it’s ok to rest sometimes.  I’m not God.  I’m a finite being and the weight of the world does not fall on me — and that’s a good thing!

And if I’m too busy, I can’t spend time with people.  As I have learned all too well, life is short.  Truly.  That’s not a flippant phrase I use anymore.  It’s a reminder that people are more important than many tasks that I put before relationships.

As I was finishing up one of my summer reads tonight, this quote jumped out at me.  Katy’s dad makes this comment referring to her husband and their marriage: “History is an asset, not a detriment.  It’s nice to be with someone who knows you, who knows your history.  It will get even more important the longer you live.  Learning how to find your way back can be harder than starting over. But damn, if you can, it’s worth it.”  (One Italian Summer by Rebecca Serle)

Amen.  The work is worth it: in marriage, with children, with family, with friends. Spend the time on what’s important.

Happy beginning of summer!  And hopefully it won’t be another year before I post again.

Grief and Our Eternal Hope

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another." (Romans 12:15-16a)

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I have attempted to finish this post on grief since January, and my thoughts have ebbed and flowed.

When I started it, my focus was on losing someone through death.  Grief, however, comes from more than physical death.  Sometimes it comes from the loss of  plans or dreams, from an estranged relationship, or from disappointment, among other things.

Grief is a strange bedfellow.

It can sneak up on you.

It can blindside you.

It can stop you dead in your tracks.

It can cause you to question everything.

And then it can lessen, and you can feel closer to "normal" than you did before.

But the cycle starts again out of the blue.

When I made my first attempt at writing this, I was thinking on the loss of two people very special to me about a month apart: on old friend who was very dear to me and a young woman who grew up with my daughters and was like part of our family for several years.  

Both of those deaths shook me to my core and made the old adage "life is short" very real to me.  That's when I saw how much I take for granted; time being the main thing.  

Today as I write, it is also the eleventh anniversary of the death of my grandma.  She passed on Good Friday, which fell on the date of her death again this year.  I can remember exactly where I was when I found out.  I can remember the regret I have for not getting to her before she was gone.  (I had plans to be at her house a couple of hours later, but that was too late.)  I can remember the deep pain of losing one of the most important people in my life like it was yesterday and also the guilt of not being there in her final moments.  (That's a long story for another day.)

My grandma's death changed my perspective on many things -- primarily on my priorities, especially when in my gut I feel like I need to do something differently.  Oftentimes that gut feeling I get is really the Holy Spirit prompting me to act.  Too many times I have ignored it.

Today as I remember Grandma's life and her influence on me, I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am that I know we'll spend eternity together because we both have trusted in Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  I have the same hope and reassurance when I think of my two friends I lost a few months ago.

However, that doesn't make the grief go away.  Sometimes the strangest things can trigger a memory, which can bring laughter or tears.

And what about those things that I grieve for that do not have a positive outcome that I can see?  

What about the death of one you love who doesn't know Jesus?  

What about the rejection of a loved one and being shut out of their life? 

What about debilitating health issues that are not going away this side of heaven? 

How do I encourage and minister to someone grieving any type of loss?  What if I am the one grieving?

The answer to all of these questions: Turn to the Great Healer, the Ultimate Encourager, the Lover of our Souls.  

Read His word; meditate on it.  Cry out to Him; He can take whatever you need to dish out.  Lean on your support system; be open and honest with your brothers and sisters in Christ. Find a trusted friend who can lift you up.  Remind your grieving friend of the truth and be the one who always points them back to their Healer.

(This is not meant to be an exhaustive list for how to handle grief or on how to help someone grieving.  This is one woman's thoughts on walking through a valley of grief right now and how it is changing my perspective on life.)

My family was recently looking through a photo album from my husband's 40th birthday ten years ago.  My daughter started pointing out people in the photos whom we have lost in the last decade, and that didn't include those who weren't at the party.  Another reminder to me that "life is short."

So what do I do with this?  What do I do with my time, my sadness, my memories, my ups and downs?

Stay focused on the One who saves me and love those around me.  This life is temporary, but we can be useful while we still have the time here on earth, even when we are suffering.  We can still be a voice that shares the hope of Christ.  We can still be an encourager.

"Love must be sincere.  Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.  Be devoted to one another in love.  Honor one another above yourselves.  Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  Share with the Lord's people who are in need.  Practice hospitality.  Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."  (Romans 12:9-14)

Those are words written to followers of Jesus...instructions we should take to heart and put into practice.

But what about for those who do not know Jesus?  I'll say it again, Life is short. Knowing Jesus is the best thing that can happen to you.  Seek him.  Trust him.  

He is worth it.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."  John 3:16-17

(If you find yourself in a deep cycle of grief, please seek help. Seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness, but a way to work through your issues with someone who can look at your situation objectively.)

Psalms of Lament

lament  /ləˈment/  noun: a passionate expression of grief and sorrow.

As we have continued to study the Psalms on Sunday mornings at church, today we hit on some of the most meaningful Psalms in my life: the Psalms of Lament.

Being able to pour out honest emotions to God is healing and hopeful.  

Sometimes that sounds a little crazy to me.  I don't exactly wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I tend to live life with a pretty even demeanor.  If you see tears leaking from my eyes, it's usually due to a fairly extreme circumstance or I'm feeling like I'm at the end of my rope.  That doesn't mean that varying emotions aren't there on a regular basis; I just tend to keep them to myself.

Sometimes that's dangerous.  Sometimes that leads to depression.  It can also lead to isolation when we struggle to be real with others, among other things.

Turning to the Psalms helps this poetry-loving writer process feelings and heartache. Reading the Psalms and praying through them connects my heart and brain and helps me refocus on Christ, but learning how to write prayers of lament has been a game changer in my prayer life.  

About a year ago I was fortunate enough to attend a Trauma Healing Institute workshop where the attendees were taught how to facilitate Bible studies to help bring healing from trauma.  In this workshop, we were working through the activities as if we were taking the class.  One of the activities was to write a prayer of lament.

The only common denominator in a lament Psalm or prayer is the complaint ("How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?" Psalm 13:2), but they can have the following seven parts:

• Address to God ("O God")
• Review of God's faithfulness in the past
• A complaint
• A confession of sin or claim of innocence
• A request for help
• God's response (often not stated)
• A vow to praise, statement of trust in God

The first time I wrote my own prayer of lament it took me a couple of minutes to start.  Where to begin? Honestly, it started out a little stilted.  However, once I allowed myself to start talking to God about what I was dealing with, the words flowed.  Quickly and at great length.

It amazed me how this little exercise changed my perspective.  It didn't change my circumstances, but it altered my thoughts about what had happened and allowed me to rest in the Lord and his greatness.

The good news is that writing a prayer or song of lament doesn't require great writing ability.  It merely requires a complaint or problem and a desire to tell God.  

Ok...be real.  We all have plenty of complaints or problems.  Pick one and give it a go.  Choose a few of the bullet points above and start writing.  

Having the Psalms as part of God's word reminds me that every one of us has joys and sorrows, and it is part of growing in our relationship with Jesus to express those in praise and worship.  

And yes, even in lamenting about the parts of life that seem so hopeless.

Praying the Bible: Psalm 103

Several years ago, my pastor introduced our congregation to the book Praying the Bible by Donald Whitney during our prayer emphasis month.  This read changed the way I pray a majority of the time.

Maybe it's not an issue for you, but I get distracted when I pray.  What Whitney teaches in his book is to take a passage of scripture and pray through it, having a conversation with the Lord as you work through the verses.  His suggestion is to start with the Psalms, but obviously it can be done throughout scripture.

While most of my prayers are verbal or said in my head, journaling my prayers is really meaningful to me.  I process when I write.  Plus I have something I can go back to down the line.  It's helpful and encouraging to read old journals from years past and to be reminded of things I have prayed for and how God worked in me through the issues I was facing. This may be something to give a try to help develop the spiritual discipline of prayer in your faith journey.  

Also, I have found that if I am praying for someone else and using this model, it can be tremendously encouraging to the person I am praying for.  In those cases, I print out the chapter with a wide right margin. Then I write out the prayer along the side of the chapter and send it to the person I'm praying for.  Written notes are so important and a dying practice.  What better way to revive it?

Below is a prayer I wrote for Psalms 103 to give you an idea of what it may look like to pray the Bible.  This was a corporate prayer shared with my church, which is why there are more "we" and "our" references than "I" or "my."

Praise the Lord, o my soul.

We praise you with all that we are,

    for all that you've done for us.

We praise you for forgiving all of our ugly sins and for healing us -- whether on earth or ultimately in heaven.

Thank you for rescuing me.

    Fill me with your love and compassion towards others.

    Give us hearts to minister to anyone who is oppressed and hurting and to tell them about         the One who redeems.

We praise you for your compassion and grace and patience with us.  May we also demonstrate to others how good, compassionate, and forgiving you are by the way we live and the words we say.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is your love for those who fear you, as far as the east is from the west, so far have you removed our transgressions from us.

Thank you, Jesus!

We praise you for knowing everything about us and loving us anyway.

When we forget that, send your Spirit to remind us of the truth.

Thank you for not leaving us here to struggle alone.  We praise you for always being with us and for saving us from the punishment we deserve when we trust in Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection as our only hope for salvation.

We praise you because your kingdom knows no boundaries, for you rule over all and love every last one of us.

Praise the Lord, o my soul.

Amen.

I am so thankful for God's word and the way He speaks us to us through it.

Be blessed.

 

A New Year, A Blank Page?

Every year on New Year's Day, I sound like a broken record.  There is just something about that day that changes my mood into one of melancholy.  I've never been able to pinpoint the cause.  Nothing significant has happened to me in the past that would bring about this repetitive feeling.

Yet there it is.  Every year.

The ending of this past year should have been cause of celebration, right?  I mean, what could be worse than 2020?  Enter 2021.

(Ha!  I'm not really that pessimistic.)

The thing is there really is nothing magical about January 1 of any year.  We have a tendency to get past the hustle and bustle of the holidays and feel like it's time to start over.  Pull out a blank piece of paper.  Open up a fresh new journal.  Erase the troubles of the past year. 

The truth is that each year (and each month and each day) has its joys and sorrows.  We were never promised all good all of the time, and when we put that expectation on ourselves, on our circumstances, and on other people, we are truly disappointed.

It goes without saying that 2020 was a hard year.  The coronavirus, political angst, and racial issues brought out the worst in many.  It truly was an eye-opening year to see where our friends and families drew the line in the sand and showed what lies in their hearts.  It was discouraging, sad, and often times heartbreaking.  These issues alone brought feelings of isolation, fear, and concern over the unknown, leading to more anxiety and depression than already exists in our communities.

Personally, I also have to add in the deaths of two loved ones in the last quarter of the year. Totally blown away by these events that shook me.  A lot.

Then 2021 rolled in.  More political angst, and then the death of a beautiful young woman whom I loved.  We're only 23 days into this year as family and friends gather today to celebrate her life, and I'm isolated at home for another day due to a COVID-19 exposure.

Doesn't sound very positive, does it?

But we have to flip the coin and look at the rest of the story.

2020 brought more togetherness with those under our roofs (Good or bad!).  It brought out a bit more creativity by taking away our busy schedules, places we love to visit, and restaurants we enjoy eating at.  Most of us gained an appreciation for others -- for being able to gather together, whether at church, around the dinner table, or at a baseball game. (Oh, to get to see our Cardinals play again!)  And some of us found a love for working at home.

For our family, we also had the joy of two moves: moving out of our old home and into an apartment and then from the apartment to our "forever" house that felt like home from Day 1.  It was a lot of moving in a 4-month time frame, but it was worth it.  We also have the excitement of a new great-nephew joining our family soon.  We could also add in having time to write letters or mail cards to others, having more time to read a good book and digging into the Bible more, playing games together, walking around our neighborhoods more, and catching up on Netflix.  

Good and bad happens.  The thing is if I wrap all of my emotions up into what happens to me, I will be miserable.  Has the last year been hard, scary, sad? Absolutely!  

But there has been blessing, too.  Why?  Because God is still with us.  Knowing Jesus is what gives me hope, because I know that he is always there, always in control, is never taken by surprise, and promises to be with me.

Paul of the Bible didn't have it easy.  His ministry was fraught with hardship, yet he was still able to write these words in Philippians 4:4-14: 

"Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.

"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me.  Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know that it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.  Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles."

How could Paul have had that peace in all circumstances?  Because he knew Jesus.  Even after Paul had worked to stop the spread of Christianity by killing Christians, Jesus revealed himself to Paul and he believed.  The scales had been removed from his eyes and he saw Jesus for who he is: the Son of God, our redeemer.  

Has Jesus been calling out to you?  "If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved" (Romans 10:9-10).

So as we finish up the first month of this new year, I pray to remember in all circumstances that God is the solid rock in which I stand.  The world will shake and rattle me, but he is my ever-present help in times of trouble. (Psalm 46)

 

2020 Reading Goals - Update

It may be a little premature for me to update my 2020 Reading Plan since I still have almost two weeks to finish up.  BUT...the last two books I plan to finish are not on my original list.

At the beginning of the year, I set out to read the following books and then would fill in with others that came up.  I didn't quite get to all 26 on this list, but my count as of today is 56 books for the year - a fair amount of fluff, but also some good quality books.

If you're on Goodreads, find me there.  I'd love to add more friends and reading recommendations.

MY PLANNED 2020 READING AND A FEW NOTES:

A Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery (restarting the series) - ✔

B Becoming by Michelle Obama (Autobiography) - ✔

C Conversation Peace by Mary Kassian (Spiritual Growth/on my bookshelf)

D Don’t Go by Lisa Scottoline (Fiction/on my bookshelf) - ✔

E Echoes of Exodus: Tracing Themes of Redemption Through Scripture (Theology)

F Five Feet Apart by Rachael Lippincott (Goodreads 2019 Choice Awards - Young Adult)

G A Gate at the Stairs by Lorrie Moore (from the NY Times 100 Most Notable Books 2009) - ✔

H How We Love by Milan & Kay Yerkovich (on Marriage)

I In the Heart of the Sea: The Tragedy of the Whaleship Essex by Nathaniel Philbrick (History) - ✔

J Jackpot by Nic Stone (Young Adult) - ✔ (Nic Stone has become a favorite YA author of mine.)

K The Key on the Quilt by Stephanie Grace Whitson (First in a series) - ✔

L Larkspur Cove (#20 on my “to-read” list) - ✔

M Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis (Book on my “to-read” list the longest) - ✔ (I happily

read this first, since it had been on my list the longest!)

N New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp (Devotional) - ✔

O One Blood: A Parting Word to the Church on Race by John Perkins (Church/Race) - ✔

P Piecing Me Together by Renee Watson (Truman Readers Award finalist) - ✔ (Another YA favorite!)

Q Quitter by Jon Acuff (on Career)

R Rethinking Sexuality by Juli Slattery (Spiritual Growth and Ministry)

S Saint Anything by Sarah Dessen (Fiction) - ✔

T Two Kisses for Maddy: A Memoir of Love and Loss by Matthew Logelin (Book to Movie in 2020)

U The Ungrateful Refugee by Dina Nayeri (Non-Fiction/on my bookshelf) - ✔

V The Vengeance of Mothers by Jim Fergus (Sequel - Fiction) - ✔

(One of the worst books I've read)

W Laura Ingalls Wilder: A Writer’s Life by Pamela Smith Hill (Biography) - ✔ (Laura Ingalls Wilder is

one of those people in history I'd love to sit down with and chat.)

X Exalting Jesus in James by David Platt (Bible Study) - ✔

Y You Will Know Me by Megan Abbott (Fiction - First I’ve read by this author) - ✔

Z The Librarian of Auschwitz by Antonio Iturbe (Because there’s a Z in the title/Translation) - ✔ (It took no fewer than 5 times for me to start this book - both in audio and print -

before I finally got past the first few chapters and started seeing why the book

was worth reading.)

So what did I learn from making a list like this? Setting some smaller goals like this one

helps me read through books I want to finally get around to reading, because I'm

easily distracted when it comes to what I want to read next. I do have over 800 books

on my to-read list, and I add new ones almost weekly.

I'm excited to start on my 2021 list and see where I go with that one.

Keep reading - no matter how slow of a reader you may be or no matter how little

reading time you may get.

Happy Reading!

When Equality Isn't

These past few days have brought me a little extra downtime with the attempt to pass a very stubborn kidney stone, but I will tell you that I would rather deal with that sucker than what I'm witnessing on my news feed.

This past week has been painful.  The world lost a man named George Floyd to the evil actions of a police officer.  The video lays out the situation in black and white; there is no gray, no "but wait...you can't see the whole story."  And the nation has responded.  And now the critics are responding to that.

I will not claim to have the answers here.  I am a white, middle class woman living in Midwest suburbia. I know that my understanding is limited.

What I do understand is the Mama Bear anger that I feel because my two beautiful, brown-skinned daughters can't live in the same freedom that I do.

For the last 13 years, I have navigated to the best of my ability raising my girls to be confident in who they are, knowing they are loved and cherished just for being them.  On the flip side, there have also been daunting lessons on how they can't really behave the same way as their white groups of friends growing up in West County schools because they will not be viewed the same way.

I have heard all of the "arguments" while raising my girls that were intended to be encouraging to me (I think):  "but your girls are different," "but they sound or act white," "but they've been raised differently." And the list goes on.  Each one of those comments is like a knife to the gut to me.  Is my response supposed to be "thank you?"  

Having white parents does not protect my black children from the injustices of the world, but it has opened my eyes widely to the prejudices, stereotypes, and racist actions of others and has made me take a good long look at myself and how I view anyone who is different from me.

Before my girls joined our family, I read and listened to so much information on raising black children in this country of ours.  In addition to wanting them to adjust to a new country, a new language, a new culture, a new family, new foods, new sounds, and new rules, another layer of consideration had to be right up there at the top: how to navigate life in a primarily white society.  

This is reality.  It is not an overprotective mom trying to shelter her kids; it is a loving mom wanting her kids to be seen for who they are, but knowing they won't always be and trying to instill the skills they might need to make it home that night.  That became increasingly clearer the older they got.

When they were little, we navigated things like "Why do people always comment about my hair or want to touch it?"  "Why do people say we look just alike and they can't tell us apart?" (when they obviously don't).

As they got older, we dealt more with things like these (and this is a shortened list):

• Making sure when you're in a store that your hands can be seen and it doesn't look like you're putting anything in your pockets or your purse.  
• Being uninvited to an event at a friend's house because someone else who was going to be there was openly racist and would probably make you "uncomfortable."
• Talking about "innocent" middle school and high school pranks that their friend groups want to do, but the consequences it could have on my girls if they got caught.
• The unfairness that their peers would likely get a swift reprimand and then excused for "being teenagers," but my girls would probably experience worse.
• The discussions about how to behave if pulled over while driving and knowing that at least a couple of times being pulled over was unwarranted.

To my white friends who are reading this, does this seem equal to you?  We can't shout that all people are equal in the US when black children have to be given a different set of rules growing up.

I am a firm believer that all life is valuable because each life was created by our God.  It is time that we treat each other as such -- all of us.  Each life is precious and worthy.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  Psalms 139:13-16

When you find yourself responding to #BlackLivesMatter with #AllLivesMatter, remember this: Until society believes that the lives of my daughters and their future children are just as valuable as their white mama, we'll keep saying #BlackLivesMatter because the #AllLivesMatter mantra is a lie until this is true.

Enough is ENOUGH.
We have to do better.

To my fellow Christians, check yourselves.  Make sure that your words and actions are truly reflecting the way Jesus taught us to treat others.  This is not about self-preservation or your knee-jerk reaction and defensiveness; this is about truly loving and caring for ALL of God's children and honoring Him in that way.